I have a problem.
As soon as I realize that there is a subject we are uncomfortable talking about, then I have no choice but to talk about it. I must talk about uncomfortable things.
And here's a big one:
Lots of Moms Don't Want to Have Sex.
And they feel really freaked out and ashamed and guilty and angry and confused and helpless and worried about it.
Underneath all the questions I get from moms about sex is this one:
Am I NORMAL?
Yes. Yes, you are totally normal.
- You are normal for not spontaneously getting turned on.
- You are normal for feeling physically non-responsive, or averse, to touch.
- You are normal for avoiding affection to avoid sex.
- You are normal for preferring sleep to sex.
- You are normal for feeling resentful about your partner's desire.
- You are normal for thinking about your belly and boob shape during sex.
- It is ALL NORMAL.
You are Normal. And you can also want something different.
I've found that when someone doesn't want to have sex, the solution isn't to have more sex.
The solution is to connect with how sex may, or may not, serve the life you want to live.
People have sex for one of two reasons:
To enjoy themselves
If you don't want to reproduce (and we all know how not-fun that reproductive sex can be), the only reason to have sex is to enjoy it.
Two things make sex enjoyable:
So, if you are struggling with your desire for sex, here's what I recommend you do:
Don't try to have more Sex (not as a first step).
Try to have more Pleasure and Connection today, in your everyday, not-a-Vacation, life.
Talk to your partner about it. Share this article with him or her.
You will thrive with more Pleasure.
Your relationship will thrive with more Connection.
If and when you do have Sex, focus on Pleasure and Connection.
That's a good start. You are NORMAL.
You are entitled to Pleasure and Connection, in all the forms they come in.
Start pursuing them and see what comes up. This is your gateway into moving toward a sex life you enjoy.
Stay tuned because I'll be teaching a free online class on this subject in a couple weeks!
With love and optimism,
(Special thanks to Dr. Marty Klein for many of these brilliantly simple insights. Check out his book here!)