Anxiety, Control, Perfectionism & Your Sexuality

Most of what makes sex enjoyable is precisely what makes it difficult to enjoy.

Sexual pleasure involves dropping out of your productive, problem-solving mind and down into a more spontaneous, impulsive state of mind.

In that state of mind you are free to follow desires and sensations without rationalization or justification.

And that is super hard for those of us who feel anxious when we aren't controlling everything with our rational minds.

When you've come to equate your self-worth with how well you manage tasks, problem solve, and take responsibility for things, it can feel very scary to stop doing those things.

To let go of control and relax into pleasure can directly threaten your sense of worth, value, and 'good'-ness.

But the paradox is, you desperately want to feel worthy and valued without having to hustle, prove yourself, or earn it.

And sex offers you a gateway into freedom from the tyranny of anxiety, control, and perfectionism.

Sex - whether that's enjoying your body alone or with someone - is an opportunity to learn that nothing bad happens when you let go of perfectionistic, anxiety-driven control.

No one loves you less if you leave the sink full of dishes and sink into the pleasure of your body and imagination.

Nothing terrible happens if you are imperfect and show your soft belly or release gas while pursuing pleasure.

Not only does nothing terrible happen when you release stress and perfectionism during sex, but something awesome happens! You are rewarded with pleasure and connection for doing the exact thing that scares you most - letting yourself relax and play.

Sex therapy goes beyond working with your body's sexual response and relationship intimacy.

Sex therapy can be a way to address this underlying belief that you are not worthy of love and belonging and so you need to hustle and prove yourself to be valued.

Sex therapy can help you learn that you are worthy of love and belonging no matter what, and that you are entitled to relax, let go, have fun, be messy, simply enjoy yourself.

If you believe your anxiety and perfectionism are manifesting themselves in your sex life, reach out for help.

You will learn more than how to 'get off.'

You will learn how to love and accept yourself unconditionally.

Sounds pretty delicious, huh?

With love and optimism,

Dr. J