It's 10am and I just ate 10 breakfast sausages.
You may be thinking one of two things.
Either that I'm -
A) A Paleo/Crossfit fanatic loading up on protein
B) Salt and fat addicted binge-eater
Fortunately, neither is true.
I was hungry and I know that I feel full and energized and healthy after eating a bunch of breakfast sausages (they're organic and chicken and all that, so don't worry about me.)
There was a time when I would have thought succumbing to my craving was BAD. Back then, I would have been GOOD and denied myself.
But then a few hours later I would have caved and been BAD BAD BAD and eaten all the sausages and probably some cookies, too.
That was when I spent most of my time vacillating between obeying my INNER TYRANT and obeying my INNER REBEL.
My INNER TYRANT felt like the GOOD me, the one who made responsible decisions. Also the one that was super mean to me and pretty fucking anxious all the time.
My INNER REBEL felt like the BAD me, the one who was irresponsible and childish. Also the one that wanted me to lighten up and have some pleasure.
It used to feel like these were the only two options. Shitty options.
Be bossed around in order to feel like a GOOD GIRL, or feel chaotic and out of control like a BAD GIRL.
Today I am happy to say that there is another part of me, a part that can notice these two duking it out without obeying either one of them. Most of the time (not all!), I can notice them but make a decision that isn't about being GOOD or being BAD.
This other part of me feels like the ME that is more than my thoughts, feelings, or impulses. It's a wise, calm, clear, quiet, and strong ME. This part doesn't take my thoughts LITERALLY. This part notices what is actually going on in the real world outside of my puny little brain and attempts to DO THINGS that WORK and that are IMPORTANT to me.
So today, that ME that observes chose to eat a shit load of breakfast sausage. I made a choice based on what WORKS for me (I feel fed and nourished) and what's IMPORTANT to me (I am entitled to feeling fed and nourished).
Most every woman I know lives with this INNER TYRANT/INNER REBEL battle.
They may show up when dealing with:
- Feeding Yourself
- Looking at Your Body
- Trying Something New
- Speaking Up for Yourself
- Taking a Break from Being Productive
The battle doesn't go away, but you can get some freedom from it by not obeying it, not letting it direct your next action.
FREEDOM starts with knowing what's IMPORTANT TO YOU.
With food, what's important about feeding yourself?
With your beauty, what's important to you about how you relate to your physical self?
Or, when it comes to speaking up for yourself, what's important about being able to use your voice in the world?
Once you have a sense of that, you see what actions are WORKABLE, meaning they create more of what's important to you. You eat food that actually makes your body feel good. You wear clothes that are comfortable and communicate your worth. You use your voice to stand up for yourself and others.
When you know what's IMPORTANT and you know what's WORKABLE, you can NOTICE your TRYANT and your REBEL and YOU CAN CHOOSE to disobey.
YOU CAN CHOOSE to do what works to serve your vital, meaningful, enjoyable life.
And, with time, your scared INNER TYRANT may begin to trust that you are capable and she won't need to be so pushy.
And your hopeful INNER REBEL may learn to trust that you will take your needs for pleasure and gentleness seriously and she won't need to be so sabotage-y.
I'm wishing you a day with more moments of DISOBEDIENCE.
With love and optimism,